| Around this time of year, I plan. Like a maniac. I don't know if it's driven by my organizationally obsessed mind or if it's just a result of the commercialism and busy-body image society has programmed into my brain. I don't nessecarily make big, life-altering plans but...those do tend to come about often.
Especially now that I'm with someone who lives three hours (yeah, you heard me.) away. I'm falling in love with everything about him. The way he falls alseep in the middle of texting me but always apologizes the next morning. The way he sweetly tells me I'm beautiful. The way that everything about us just seems to converge instantly. The way he makes me nervous in a good way. The way he's the first guy to ever make me melt in my chair. The way he's the one I could see myself dating for years to come. So, let's just (for blogging's sake) say that I'm in love with this kid. Okay, now I have to make plans to see him, meet his parents, the rest of his family, and his friends. I have to figure out how we'd make it work if he decides not to come to the college I'm going to, I have to figure out how we'll spend our time (and how we won't). See, for me, plans can be broken to pieces in seconds. Ergo, I have back-ups.
Another aspect of my plan making is that I'm optimistic. I know most of the time you imagine yourself (if you're as fairytale believing as me) locking eyes with that person for an I Do. Then comes the kids. And the bills and the late nights at work. And the too tired for sex syndrome. And the anger/resentment. Not in this girl's head. Sure, I believe in bad days, but I'm usually the one who turns relationships around. Not just for myself, but for other people as well. I'm miss advice. When I make plans, I see the big picture, the grand scheme, my life. I can lay it all out in my head. The trick: I don't put time limits on them. I think putting an age or a date or anything of that matter is just more stressful. Life is NOT a deadline. It's little spontaneous blasts of spectacular moments with a few chunks of hardships and unhappiness mixed in.
But I have hope. Something most people have lost sight of but something that has even more charge around this time of year for me. Hope is a bright light right? (Shut up, I know I just cheesily rhymed) Therefore, It shines in the darkness. Always. Now, for me, since I believe in God and a personal relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ, hope is any easy concept for me. I know that no matter what I do, I can turn to Him for guidance. When my plans fall through and I'm broken, HE fixes me back up. That's why I like to plan so much, I believe. Because I know that my plans can end but His are eternal. I'm just a human. He is God. He controls everything about me.
So even though I could be in love quite soon, and if I plan to marry this amazing man that has come into my life, I have someone else handling the plans in a greater way. He's going to make it all work out. When Blake dumped me and I felt alone, He was there. And I truly believe He brought me James at the perfect time. I felt the need to get to know him as much as possible, as fast as possible before some other girl got a hold on his reigns. I knew that for some reason, I wanted this person with all of my heart. I still wake up in the morning and the first thing I want to know is whether or not he's awake too. So when I'm picturing : my wedding dress, and he and I are picking out possible names for kids (Makayla Noel and Traven James, btw), and we plan out our wedding, and we try to picture what it will be like at college when we have movie nights or go out to the lake to see the stars, I know that I can make as many detailed plans as possible but that I have no control over how they will work out.
If it's my destiny to be with James, so be it. I would love that. I know what flavor of toothpaste he uses, how he likes to kiss, what he orders at Moe's, when his birthday is, how he treats his brother and his parents, how his past relationships have affected him, what scares him, how he feels about religion and life after death, what he hopes to accomplish, what he wants to see happen in the world, his morning routine, how he likes the water in the shower, what he does for fun, his favorite sport, color and type of clothing. I know a lot, and even still, I want to know more. I pray and hope its him. I can't get enough of his l.o.v.e. All the love ballads and cheesy songs like Lonestar's "Amazed" come on the radio, and all that's running through my mind is his voice and his laugh and his smile and his eyes and his touch and his face and him. Basically, just him. Everything about him.
I'm so lucky. Even if my plans are terminated and we break up and he breaks my heart, I'll still be glad I had him for the short amount of time I did. Because there has never been anyone who has driven me this crazy. I've never experienced compatability. He told me once that something has ALWAYS felt like it was missing til he found me. And I know its true because of how he talks about me and how he lets me in as if I could never hurt him. I do the same back because I'm just naturally vulnerable. I'm the rabbit facing the pack of wolves every single day of my life. So, I'll keep making my plans. For now, they include James, improving on my faith, talking to DAD (God) all the time, and spending time with my family before I move out. Sure, I'm open to spontenaity. I love it almost as much as I love plans. Like Dan in Real Life's line goes: Plan to be surprised. Oh, I will. You never know when your life will change and take you down another road. All you can do is try your best. So here I am with my lists of plans and my unborn children's names, and you probably think I'm crazy but I don't care. After all, it's my life and I didn't ask you your opinion of it.
There you have it, and that was my plan. |
